PATTY DOWN: Eureka!Burger

Name: Eureka!Burger
Location: 7775 Palm Ave., Fresno, CA 93711
Website: www.eurekaburger.com
Twitter: @EurekaBurger

The restaurant's website lists a common dictionary definition of "eureka" -- an expression of triumph upon discovery -- and adds "the enlightening burger experience" as a second meaning. But gastronomical gold was nowhere to be found.

Image source: Eureka!Burger

I was sent to Fresno a few weeks ago to cover the Central Section girls' tennis Division II championship match, so I figured I'd make the 120-mile trek worth it by exploring a new eatery. A Google search of quality burgers in the area yielded Eureka, a relatively new establishment that also has a location in Redlands and a coming-soon site in Claremont. Its website and menu felt similar to those of The Counter, not that a burger should be judged by its creator's marketing strategies.

Eureka has a unique vibe for a burger bar. It attracted a noticeably young crowd, with some groups of twenty-somethings apparently gathering there just for drinks. That wasn't extremely surprising, though, considering the long list of beers on tap and the nighttime atmosphere that centered on particularly low lighting and a live band that locals seemed to recognize. In that sense, its niche in the restaurant world was admirable; it aimed to create a bar-like ambiance without sacrificing the quality of its food.

The burger, however, didn't quite match the brand.

The Triumphant Hickory Burger ($9.25 including fries) stood out on the menu simply because it would come with "homemade beer barbeque sauce." But that teaser led to one of the biggest disappointments of the evening; the charbroiled patty was topped with nothing more than a stingy spoonful. It tasted good -- nothing to blog home about -- when it wasn't lost in the burger's other flavors, but it almost always was. Surely there was something else that made this meal ... triumphant?

THE SCORE: Hip-Hop Homophone History, Pt. 1

Numerous reviews of Eminem's latest album, Recovery, praise his return to lyrical supremacy, his mastery of the English rhyming dictionary and his crafty wordplay. At least in one case, however, he's more innovative than inventive.

The evidence of his rapping skills is easily found in the record's first single ("Not Afraid"), a three-verse barrage of puns spliced with another attempt by Eminem at a sing-song chorus.

The track reaches its climax at the end of the second verse, where the clever lyricist drops this hard-not-to-notice gem: "But it's time to exorcise these demons / These mother-f***ers are doing jumping jacks now!"

It's undoubtedly a powerful line, and one that paints a vivid picture of Eminem's personal battles. But let's rewind about three years, when he was somewhere in the doldrums between Encore (2004) and Relapse (2009) ...

PATTY DOWN: Barney's Gourmet Hamburgers

Name: Barney's Gourmet Hamburgers
Location: 1600 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley, CA 94709
Website: www.barneyshamburgers.com

Before I left for college, a family friend sent me a list of must-try eating establishments within the Berkeley campus bubble. One such place was Top Dog, an overrated but culturally embedded hot dog stand known for its late-night lines and thought-provoking wall clippings. Another was Zachary's Chicago Pizza Inc., whose uniqueness -- "toppings" are served below the tomato sauce -- is widely and unfortunately mistaken for superiority.

For no good reason at all, Barney's wasn't checked off until very late in the game. And that was an unforced error. Barney's, which now exists throughout the Bay Area as well as in Los Angeles, has earned dozens of awards for its burgers since opening in 1978. The menu there features an impressive variety of ingredients, which extends the visit simply because of the lengthy selection process at the beginning.

From the 27 options, I settled on the "Teriyaki Burger" ($8.50 not including fries). Its patty is topped with sauteed bell peppers, onions and mushrooms and brought together with a teriyaki glaze that is sure to drip from the bottom as it's eaten. Also on the plate are a few lettuce leaves, pickle strips, an orange slice and a tiny container of Thousand Island dressing. Which brings us to the all-important breakdown:

Teriyaki Burger at Barney's

The bun: It's nothing special, really -- a pair of pretty standard sesame seed saucers. However, it is important to note that this particular bun a) does not fall victim to the potentially hazardous wetness of the sauce and b) is thick and durable enough to contain the abundance of toppings. The bread, therefore, is not inherently outstanding but does its job in reserving the attention for the star actors performing between it.

The patty: It has been argued that a truly fantastic burger needs no decoration. To be sure, it's no easy task to assess the merits of meat when it's covered with fixings and sauce. Somehow, though, the strengths of this eight-ounce patty were not completely drowned out. The medium-well request was accurately addressed, and the blackened edges didn't mean that the rest of the ground chuck was dried out. Anyone who has used a grill a few times could probably duplicate it, but that shouldn't necessarily count against it.

The toppings: Without a doubt, they are what make the "Teriyaki Burger" so memorable. The green and red bell peppers were neither too slimy nor too crunchy; the onions were recognizable but not overwhelming; the mushrooms were portioned somewhat modestly so as not to dominate the congregation with their squishy texture. It was immediately evident that these piping hot additions, which spilled generously onto the plate, were cooked to order. Ultimately, the vegetable medley was the reason I chose this burger in the first place, and it's the reason I'll order it again when I return.

The sauce: This hamburger is proof that chicken shouldn't have a monopoly on teriyaki overtures. The sauce not only seeped gently into the meat and brought it to life, but it also orchestrated the fusion of the vegetables. It was not too sour, not too sweet, and, unlike many teriyaki glazes, not too salty. Perhaps most importantly, its presence didn't obstruct gustatory access to the other flavors of the meal.

The fries: The basket of sweet potato fries was empty by the time our burgers arrived. The slightly crispy orange sticks were excellent with ketchup, Thousand Island or with no condiments at all. Sweet potato fries are all the rage these days, and some restaurants have them on the menu simply to keep up with the trend. If that's the case with Barney's, I'd never know it.

The end: It seems somewhat surprising that the "Teriyaki Burger" is featured on the homepage of Barney's website, especially considering some of the restaurant's other offerings -- home-style guacamole, French baguettes, sun-dried-tomato pesto sauce and grilled zucchini. But perhaps the teriyaki-tinged creation is a fitting representation of Barney's as a whole. The experimentation, it seems, hasn't disrupted the production of good, solid hamburgers.

FROM THE OVEN: Phone Lines and Punch Lines

Reporting requires making lots of phone calls, sometimes to complete strangers. Here's what happens when the complete stranger you thought would be on the other end of the line turns out to be a completely different complete stranger: 

In order to write about the threat of minimum wage that loomed over California state workers as a result of the legislature's budget impasse, I had to get in touch with a sampling of state employees.

When I called the California Correctional Peace Officers Association, a receptionist said she would transfer me to the appropriate person and proceeded to put me on hold. Moments later, I was somehow connected with an angry man in Iowa who was calling the CCPOA for an entirely separate and unknown reason.

"Someone has their lines crossed," he said. 

Perhaps to lift his audibly foul spirits, the man decided I was the perfect audience for a joke.

"If Obama and Nancy Pelosi were on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and they were sinking, who would be saved?"

"Uhh ... "

"America!"

Then he hung up.

DROP IN THE BUCKET: Air of Superiority

John Wooden, if you're reading this from your plush recliner in Hoops Heaven, stop now. You won't like it.

For everyone else -- the grounded folk who appreciate the alley-oop lobs, the fast-break flights and the open-lane opuses -- stick around to admire and analyze the complex relationship that basketball players have with that innocent orange rim resting 10 feet in the air.

See, there comes a time in a dunker's life when he must defy not only gravity but the basic bounds of morality, when he must fuse elevation and embarrassment, when he must posterize the defender in front of him.

Fans of the flush should be forever grateful for the invention of video, which allows us to keep and collect the great moments of the game's craftiest poster children. Over the last two years, a YouTube user to whom we are all indebted corralled footage of the 50 best dunks in Division I college basketball history.

Without further ado, enjoy 14 miraculous minutes of dunk-drenched art (and the literary accompaniment that follows) after the jump.

SHOOTER'S TOUCH: Cloudy With a Chance of Glass

Not sure exactly where this experiment is headed. But that's OK, right?

Photography is a master of introduction, so here's the first post. Disregarding its artistic merits, this is one of my favorite photos out of thousands taken during my semester abroad in London two years ago.

It wasn't completely overcast on this particular September afternoon, which made for some nice reflections at Old Spitalfields Market.

Hopefully, "Shooter's Touch" will be one of several recurring features in this space. Expect some more photos as well as burger reviews, sports analysis and various music-based offerings.

Whatever is thrown into this infinite abyss, it'll be organized. It won't be as funny as a segment on The Colbert Report, as well-written as a column by Bill Plaschke or as involved as a Christopher Nolan film, but it'll be my best blogging effort to date. Kind of like Barack Obama being the best African-American president the United States has had to date.